Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Turning Point

Post 25 years of age, most of my friends (married or unmarried) are dealing with "the turning point" in their respective lives. For some odd reason, its only to do with the "marriage" status or coping up with the same. I strongly feel that turning point is a continuous phenomenon, and not a one time thing! Turning points are of course at times of marriage, but the list is endless... For eg. turning points in careers, relationships (family, friends, colleagues etc.), health, education, and the list goes on...

As the first post of this year, I wish to share some of my observations and principles regarding the turning point that is currently a burning issue around me!! Please note that I am a full time working woman, so my perspective is limited to working women only. I have always lived by these principles and they have never let me down.

  1. Getting married or being in a relationship is a turning point for both involved. So there is no reason it should be a one sided affair. It is very necessary that your relationship is on a "one to one" level, literally. To be precise, in a healthy relationship there is no Secondary position! 
  2. Respecting each others careers goes without saying. Your partner wont be able to put it in words, but your wholehearted support and interest in his career makes him respect you even more!
  3. Parents involvement is one of the greatest opportunities to strengthen your bonds. It is very crucial to establish that sense of security within each other and respective parents that, they are a part of your new life. Though the couple decisions are going to be the final word, including your parents in them will only add to the family happiness!
  4. Couples do need a set of common friends as much as they need their own set of friends. While you should have your independent time alone with your friends, making sure your partner has his time alone with his friends is also important.
  5. Your partner was big enough to choose you as his life partner. So he is big enough to take care of himself as well! It is not caring to keep on showering your partner with orders of what to do, how to behave, go to gym, drink or smoke less etc. all the time! This will only dilute the importance and seriousness of those crucial occasions when you really need your partner to do things only because you are saying so!
  6. Being possessive is not at all romantic, its simple pure insecurity which needs to be addressed on war footing. Getting attracted or interacting with an opposite sex doesn't mean cheating on you! Smothering each other will only destroy your comfort zone rendering you to go away from the transparency in your relationship.
  7. While the list of "compromises I have made" may crop up during arguments, there are honestly only 2-3 things in your life that you cannot compromise. Everything else becomes secondary and it helps to a very large extent towards making life together smooth and compatible.
  8. As you need to have something that you do just the two of you, there must be something in your routine that you do alone as well. It should be something which will establish your personal space! And share what you think or do or feel during this time with your partner. It makes your relationship that much closer!
  9. Do not forget that your life began from the time you were born, and not from when you got into a relationship. So your relationship or marriage is a part of your life and not the entire life. Keep a track of your dreams or plans or ambitions you have had since your childhood. Don't give them up just because you will share your life with someone, and make sure your partner does the same!
  10. And lastly, never deny your partner for sex! Making love cannot be a deal in any relationship ever. No reason what so ever is justified for denying your partner over this! Its like a knife that cuts and the wounds heal, but the scars remain forever. In stead focus on shedding all the inhibitions that you may have over sex. Your level of pleasure is indirectly proportional to your level of inhibitions!! Lesser the inhibitions, more the pleasure and better your sex life!
These were the best of suggestions I picked up from the doses all my well wishers gave me before I took the plunge into marriage hood. After penning them down here, I feel they are more like the 10 commandments of relationships! :-)


shweta hardikar said...

Absolutely agree, on all the points especially 5 and 9. That is what I keep on saying...life doesn't end with marriage, neither does it start, it is another change in our life much in the same way when we change school, go to college, go to the university, decide our careers and so on.
One more important aspect of any relationship is forgiveness. Easier said than done,yet forgetting each others mean remarks, occasional bouts of selfishness are only gonna improve relations further.

Suvarna said...

We do have many turning points as you rightly mentioned. In my opinion the turning points in education, health are largely planned, if not then, they are at least under our control. Whereas dealing with the turning point which revolves around the word “marriage” seems to be complicated just because of the uncertainty involved in it..The feeling that “It is not in MY control” makes the transition look like an issue.

Hats off to the 5th and the 7th commandment!

Snigdha Shevade said...

Thanks Shewta and Suvarna for leaving so overwhelming comments! I really didn't think that this post would be taken in the right spirit! :-)

And both of you have even added things that I overlooked! :-)


Infinite-In-Finite said...

Good One Snigdha, about the turning points I think life is a spiral, and every point is a turning point that way, however that is a simplistic view, its an imperfect spiral with some linear parts and some abrupt turning points. Marriage many a times being an abrupt one. But abrupt need not mean unpleasant.

On point 6, I think the word possesive is a judgement on an individual, while all it needs to be an indication that the relationship needs more sensitivity, and that there are insecurities that need to be addressed, not on a war footing, but sensitively.

Many a times insecurities manifest themselves in trivial things like talking to the opposite sex, that is just a manifestation, they stem from somewhere else, and figuring out that somewhere else may not only remove insecurities, it may strengthen the relationship much.

Calling the manifestation possesiveness, may take one away from what "really" is wrong, and may well be the begining of what's not needed.

Dagny said...

Cool article to start 2012 Snigdha! =)

I believe turning points are events that drastically change a person's life. And I agree with you about multiple 'turning points' in various facets of life. For people with a solid focus on career (viz. you & I) education, job switch, promotions etc. count as those events. But think of all the people who are in jobs just 'to pay the bills' and enjoy other aspects of life eg: getting married, moving to stay in a new family etc. Since 'marriage' is a common denominator in most people of our age segment, you see it around you so often :)

I just loved the way you've articulated #1,2,5,9.

I'd add a conditional clause to #3 though. I think that decision is fairly subjective ;)
The in-laws' involvement in your life should be determined by your spouse's relationship with them. Just because you're closer to your parents & want them to have a say in your decision doesn't mean your spouse would feel the same about his parents. And vice versa. Of course I speak for myself here! This does not make him/her a better or worse person. One should respect that.

Keep writing :)

Snigdha Shevade said...

@ Infinite - I totally agree to what you say!!! May be that's exactly what was on my mind when I was writing that point. Since possessiveness is at large found between couples, I built up on that!

I am certainly not as efficient as you when it comes to articulation of thoughts! :-) Feels great to have you commenting again on my blog! :-)

Snigdha Shevade said...

@ Dagny: Thanks for your compliment! :-)

Well, as mentioned in the post, these were the top 10 important advises I picked up from the looong list given to me by my well wishers! And going by your point of view, the parent's involvement seems to be an inherently conditional point. :-)

kinu said...

Why so many "do this" and "don't do this"???
It is well written and everything you say here makes sense. Well there are hundred, million more things that would also make sense.
Saying all this, I wanna say that all this laying down of rules and conventions and systems just stomps on spontaneity which actually makes relationships just beautifully exciting. Say, a huge fight that erupts from a seemingly small thing. In a relationship between two people who understand each other really well (or are beginning to understand), it just means venting out, letting out those things that have been eating you from inside. Having differences and fights and then getting over those differences, anger, frustration (which normally happens in such a relationship)... it all makes you honest, which is very important. I guess one has to learn to live with those fights and differences. Don't rob your relationship off that sweet spontaneity.
I can't resist illustrating this in two scenarios. In one, you have one very nice, clean room in a swanky hotel, probably overlooking the beautiful skyline of a city. The room is clean, almost sterile because it has been cleaned and re-cleaned with best in the market products. In the other scenario, you have say a room in you house, in a friend's house, overlooking a garden, the room may not be clean, it might have tea stains around, an old carpet torn at places, old wooden furniture. the room is not clean, it has cobwebs, a thin layer of dust, it smells of wood, books, garden that surrounds it. you see what I am getting at? where would you feel at home?
do i need say more?

About the turning point... seriously?

Snigdha Shevade said...

@ Kinu: So beautifully said.. And since both of us share that spontaneity inherently as persons, I so deeply understand its importance.

But the purpose of this post was to share those really important does and dont's that helped me with the transition from Single-hood to Marriage-hood... Sometimes the doses from almost everyone surrounding you become sooo confusing, that differentiating what suits you best becomes a bigger problem than the actual transition!

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