How do I not offend my adopted mommy while dating?

 FnAQ: I am 27 years old trying to make sense of my relationship with a 50 year old married woman. We have been in a non-comital relationship for the past 2 years. We work in the same office and during my induction we worked in the same department for sometime. It started off as a sexual fling, but after a few months, she confirmed that she was confused about her orientation and now she is clear about not wanting to be sexually involved with women. But she said, she would like to have a special bond with me and apart from sex, we should keep everything else going as it is, like being my adopted mommy. I didn't know what to say and so agreed to give it a try. I go to her place as her close friend who's just a few years elder than her son living abroad. She likes to pamper me and treats me like her kid because he doesn't live with her anymore. Her husband doesn't know about our fling but he knows that I fill up the vacuum, of their son's absence in his wife's life, so he also considers me like their little adopted child. I do enjoy the attention and pampering, but in these 2 years I have realised that I am only going with the flow without getting what I want. So I asked her if I can start seeing other people because I want a relationship which she can't give me. She agreed and I went on dating sites and a few dates too. She seemed a little indifferent when I used to go on casual dates. Recently, one of my dates asked me if we could become exclusive and I agreed. When I told this to my 50 year old adopted mommy, she got upset and told me this amounts to betraying her. We had a fight on this and I told her, I want to give this relationship a try and it cannot be betraying her if we had agreed that I can see other women. She doesn't agree with me and now our fights are getting nasty to the extent that I get anxious knowing we may have a fight in the office too. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt her but I have met someone who wants to have a relationship with me and I genuinely want to give it a try. How do I not offend my adopted mommy while dating?

Short Answer: You cannot not offend anyone who has decided to get offended with you! 

Long Answer: Your sharing doesn't involve if you have your own parents or not, so this concept of adopted mommy is a little unclear to me. But going by what you have shared, you certainly lack secure attachments in life. At 25 years of age, if you got into a sexual relationship with someone who has a son of approximately your age, only to finally settle for filling up the vacuum that person has, because her own son doesn't live with her anymore, the situation seems pretty simple to solve. You need to bring the focus back to yourself. What do you want and doing what is going to get you what you want. Discussing going on dates with your adopted mommy was the right way forward. Her indifference and sense of betrayal stems from losing you as her supply to fill up the vacuum of her son's absence in her life. The fights are bound to be nasty because once you become serious in a relationship, your priorities would change. From where I see it, you need to boundary up. If your adopted mommy respects your choices, well and good, if not, be prepared to move on from this relationship to make space for a relationship you actually want in life. Additionally, read and work on developing secure attachments in life! It pays well to work on yourself, always! 

Hope this helps! 

Lots of love!  

How do I tell her that her mistakes are causing customer complaints without causing another meltdown?

 FnAQ: Our 58 year old accountant has been with us for the last 15 years. She has been working in our company before I joined my father's business and she has seen me grow up. She was also one of the team members who trained me during my induction in accounts department, when I joined the family business. She is two years away from retirement. Since the last few months, there have been significant silly mistakes that have been observed in her work. The most recent one actually got escalated because of wrong entries and resulted into a customer complaint. How do I tell her that she is making mistakes that are now becoming too frequent and causing serious level problems. I am a little worried that this might become a nasty conversation because the accounts department head confronted her regarding this incident which resulted into customer complaint and this confrontation has already caused a meltdown in the office. Is there any way I can handle this situation without causing another melt down as well as communicating her mistakes properly?

Short Answer: Absolutely there is a way and congratulations for thinking of a possibility where you can communicate without causing another meltdown. The essence of your communication with her should be this - connection before correction! 

Long Answer: You need to start your conversation with her with the intention of connecting with her life - work and beyond work, without even mentioning about her mistakes. Lets say, you can start with something like, "I have been meaning to ask you about your health and if everything at home is going good! I have been observing that you are pre-occupied with something and I couldn't find time to sit with you and have a little conversation"... The basic idea here is to make her share things she wouldn't share if a space like this where you ask her personal wellbeing questions isn't deliberately created. Once she starts answering these kind of questions and if she shares, you need to thank her for sharing personal things about herself. Mostly, when people who have been working in a place for a long time start making mistakes when something is going wrong in their personal lives, which is spilling over their professional life. Anything like a sick person at home, marital issues, financial crises, unforeseen expenses, legal matters, etc. can cause significant stress and affect their work. In such moments, you need to deploy empathy and not confrontation or training to counter the mistakes. If you are able to connect properly, chances are high that the person will be overwhelmed and own up to their mistakes. If not that, you will certainly have maintained the dignity and respect of the person you are speaking with and established a connection where you will be able to bring up the mistakes and possible solutions to avoid customer complaints in the future.

Hope this helps! 

Lots of love! 

I want to help because I care!

 FnAQ: I am a 30 year old worried about my 25 year old neighbour. We have been living next to each other for over 10 years and she is as good as my little sister. Our families are good friends and we have several memories built over these two decades! She has had a few breakups in the past and she even admitted to have had rebounds to get over them when we were catching up recently. However, the current breakup that she is going through is a little serious and I can see her slipping into destructive coping mechanisms. However much I understand the pain of breaking up with the boyfriend she introduced to her parents, she is keeping the breakup a secret and numbing herself with drugs and hooking up with tinder dates. She tends to hide things from her parents quite a bit, and even right now is hiding this breakup from her parents. She maintains an impression that everything is good between her and her boyfriend while indulging in such a self-destructive behaviour. I am really worried for her and have thought of telling her parents about this. Haven't been able to act on this because this girl has made me promise her to keep this information to myself. But I am getting worried and can’t take it anymore. What do you think I should do?

Short Answer: If she has specifically made you promise to keep this a secret, it is a classified information! If you want the satisfaction of trying to help her when she is having a hard time and tell her parents, do that only if you have solid evidence and most importantly, be prepared for losing your relationship with her as well as her parents and maybe even some of your common friends! 

Long Answer: Your worry for this girl is not only justified but also natural! If she is like your little sister, you would want to make sure she is not destroying her own life. It is also appropriate to want to tell her parents about this. But, people, especially adults who have reached a self-destructive place like this in their lives, tend to seek scapegoats to blame everything bad happening in their lives. The fact that this girl keeps secrets from her parents also points to the fact that their core connection is poor. If a 25 year old can hide a breakup like this from her own parents, it can only mean that she is a brilliant liar and you should take whatever she shares with a pinch of salt. If it is hard to believe that they haven't realised yet, that the relationship is over and that their daughter is engaging in destructive coping mechanisms, then know that they are choosing to ignore it and are being an equal part in the lies that their daughter is telling them. All in all, if your friend is sharing all this with you, she is probably only venting out or seeking attention and sympathy, certainly not help. 

Since your background sharing doesn't involve the details of your conversation with her, I would suggest you clearly tell her that you are worried and recommend her to seek therapy, if you haven't already. If what she shares is making you uncomfortable, you can even ask her to stop sharing all this if she doesn’t want or isn’t seeking help. Drawing a line between the two can help in distancing yourself from a situation that makes you feel so helpless. But my recommendation would be this, even if you have solid evidence, unless you are willing to pay the cost of becoming a scape goat, being reprimanded for making people see something they aren't willing to see and being misunderstood for something you did purely out of concern, do not share anything with anyone. Just remove yourself out of this situation! It isn't your life to begin with! 

Hope this helps! 

Lots of love! 

Should I "hold on to it" or "let it go"

"De-cluttering is a continuous process" said no one, but it holds true in every sense of the word for me. Honestly, it isn't about how well a particular thing is done, but, it is about how regularly it is done, which actually matters in the long run. If you are one of the pro-decluttering people, you must already know the right time to start decluttering is, NOW! Because, if you are thinking whether or not your life or space needs decluttering, you are probably already late! For everyone else and especially if you are one of the curious people, let me tell you a classified information - the right time to begin your decluttering curiosity is towards the end of the year. It has magical effects without owning a magic wand! 

If done right, it sets you up for a brilliant start of the new year. If not, it can make your coming year magically tragic because it won't be a new year. For all the practical purposes, it will be a spill over of the previous year which is already gone-by! All you can do is learn from it, not live in it. 

Moving on, literally and figuratively - how do we decide if we hold on or let go of something? Just like you do for any other decision, ask questions, answer honestly and act! 

For me, by the time I answer the following questions, everything is crystal clear! Most of the times, I don't even need to ask all the questions. I do it regardless, because the validation helps me! A lot! I hope it works for you too! 

Feelings:

1. Do you love it? 
2. Does it make you happy?
3. Does it add to your confidence?

Relevance:

1. Have you used it in the last 6 months?
2. Does it fit in your current lifestyle or future goals?
3. Does it hold any significant memory which isn't guilt ridden for you?

Utility:

1. Is it functioning well?
2. Do you have a designated time and space for it?
3. Are you sure this doesn't fall into "just in case" or "obligation"?

If you answered "NO" or "MAYBE" to even one of the above questions, it is a clear indication that it needs to go from your space or life. 

For the rest of your life

 

If it was normal, everyone would have it.

If it was easy, everyone would do it.

But, normal in itself is easily chaotic, for

What is normal to a spider is a chaos to a fly.

Appearances can be deceptive, they say,

If it is too good to be true, it most certainly is, I say!

You cannot look happy with just a smile on your face, for 

What lies beneath that smile says far more than you can hide.

A broken soul often knows how to heal itself

What it doesn't know is how to forgive itself. 

Wonder why forgiving oneself is so hard? For,

We want someone else to forgive us first to be worthy of moving on.

Denial, anger, bargaining and depression should pass

Before you can finally accept and get past the past.

Grieving doesn't mean moving on from the wounds that scar, for

Wounds heal, scars stay but what doesn't break you makes you strong.

If closure would mean peace of mind for once

It would be the thing everyone would trade for, at once.

But the truth is that closure means forgiving without an apology, for

Forgiveness is a virtue of the strongest souls!

It is our choices and not abilities that make us.

It is our actions and not words that define us.

Sooner or later there comes a day when you must choose and act, for

The same efforts go in making ourselves happy or sad. 

No one can tell you what to choose,

No one can act for you when you choose.

It is you who must decide when the time comes, for

It is you who will live with that choice for the rest of your life.

Silence in love...

Silence is everything, 

 From nothing is left to be said,

To nothing needs to be said.

What is the difference between the two?

One ends it while the other makes love true!

Silence can speak more than words,

It lets the eyes say what the lips can't,

The only thing that can eclipse a rant.

It lets your mind listen to the touch

Of a hand and watch you blush.

Silence is inevitable,

To listen to what is unsaid,

To watch chaos and commotion ebb.

But to know Silence's true voice, 

You first need to know the noise!

Get away in the lockdown!

The side of the lockdown no one speaks of is the messy floors, messy kitchen, messy bathrooms, messy beds... In short mess every where. If you have little children or pets in the house, it is in the best interest of all to not even begin to describe this mess! Of course it cannot ever mean anything in the face of the growing deaths or the impending recession! But I am afraid if people don't see a ray of hope for breaking this 'Lockdown', death by frustration in this period will start peeking in! 

A disclaimer: My household is an exception, and you'll know why towards the end of this post! But here are the top 3 things we did differently as a family along with the increased work from home hours.

1. Evenly distribute chores among the family members (even the 6 year old member had to contribute more than he did before the lockdown)
2. Schedule video calls with the family not with you, every weekend and a few quick calls through the week.
3. Catch up on reading, writing and everything that was on hold earlier because "we were always short on time"

Having said that, the above didn't solve the most common "SUPER BORED" effect most of the people I know experienced and still continue to experience. Wondering what must be missing, I figured that most people in this 'super bored' category are used to spending time outdoors. The fact that they had to stay put inside their homes and that too with their own families was beyond being stranded! 😂  They needed to breath! And I think I might have a suggestion which might help them with a get away without a lot of work! 

However weird it might sound, but the lockdown didn't lock down every place! Baring the containment zones, there are several local places you can go and spend some time away. Even in the containment zones, you can get out of the stranded feeling by getting a bit creative! For eg. your balcony, open garden in your society or in front of your house, open parking lots, terraces and so on. 

So here's the suggestion: Use the above places like mini picnic spots! 😇

Just to help you unclog the frustrated mind, here are a few reasons to go on a mini-picnic with yourself or your family or friends and keep the group under 10 nos. Ideally do not mix them to enjoy every bit of your get away! But even if you do, don't fuss over it! The idea is to simply enjoy, as long as you don't forget this, it will be a time well spent! 😍

1. Reading or writing
2. Photography or video recording
3. Breakfast or high tea
4. Water falls in rains, Star gazing in Summers (Indian Summers are harsh), Barbeque in winters
5. Trekking or bike riding
6. Bird watching or plant collections for propagating
7. Mindfulness or yoga
8. Sun rise or sun set 
9. Interesting conversations or overdue catching up discussions
10. Just closing your eyes and listening to all the sounds you can hear! 

Now as exciting as it may seem, do not leave without the essentials. I have a list of essentials that ensure light weight traveling. Depending on the number of people heading out, you can reduce it further. 

1. Finger food only packed in tiffin boxes (Saves you the space and weight of trays! 😇)
2. Water bottles 1 litre per head at least
3. Thermos for the pre-made hot beverages (If not, skip it! One less item to carry!)
4. Juice boxes or Alcoholic drinks (I prefer choosing the ones that can be consumed at room temperature. It saves a lot of space and weight that an ice box takes! But if it is a necessity, go on, it is worth the pain!)
5. Wet and Dry wipes
6. Eco friendly disposable plates and cups (spoons not needed as I carry only finger food)
7. Garbage bags (I use diaper disposable bags, you'll know why in the second part of this post! 😁)
8. A one sided waterproof sheet that'll fit your items, your family and friends along with weights for the 4 corners of your sheet to hold it to the ground 
9. Foldable outdoor table and chairs (It is a life saver when you can't find a good place to have your picnic. Setting the table at a scenic road side area saves the day! 😉)
10. Suitable bag that can carry all the essential items

If you have kids under 12 years of age or pet dogs just add these 3 things and you are good to go! (Can apply to other pets as well. But I know what works with dogs as I grew up with dogs! 😇)

1. Small toys that can fit in one bag for the kids. Balls and bones for the dogs.
2. Favourite finger food for the kids. Favourite dog biscuits for the dogs. 
3. Diaper bags (good for collecting waste, trash on the go, dog poop and of course diapers! 😁)

Do not forget the SOS items if going out. Can be skipped altogether only if you are having this picnic in your balcony. Other wise every other place, do keep this. 

1. Bugs and mosquito repellent
2. Swiss Knife
3. First aid kit
4. Torch

Happy get aways in the lockdown! I know a real get away seems like a dream today. But we all will survive this, together! 😇