FnAQ: I am a 30 year old worried about my 25 year old neighbour. We have been living next to each other for over 10 years and she is as good as my little sister. Our families are good friends and we have several memories built over these two decades! She has had a few breakups in the past and she even admitted to have had rebounds to get over them when we were catching up recently. However, the current breakup that she is going through is a little serious and I can see her slipping into destructive coping mechanisms. However much I understand the pain of breaking up with the boyfriend she introduced to her parents, she is keeping the breakup a secret and numbing herself with drugs and hooking up with tinder dates. She tends to hide things from her parents quite a bit, and even right now is hiding this breakup from her parents. She maintains an impression that everything is good between her and her boyfriend while indulging in such a self-destructive behaviour. I am really worried for her and have thought of telling her parents about this. Haven't been able to act on this because this girl has made me promise her to keep this information to myself. But I am getting worried and can’t take it anymore. What do you think I should do?
Short Answer: If she has specifically made you promise to keep this a secret, it is a classified information! If you want the satisfaction of trying to help her when she is having a hard time and tell her parents, do that only if you have solid evidence and most importantly, be prepared for losing your relationship with her as well as her parents and maybe even some of your common friends!
Long Answer: Your worry for this girl is not only justified but also natural! If she is like your little sister, you would want to make sure she is not destroying her own life. It is also appropriate to want to tell her parents about this. But, people, especially adults who have reached a self-destructive place like this in their lives, tend to seek scapegoats to blame everything bad happening in their lives. The fact that this girl keeps secrets from her parents also points to the fact that their core connection is poor. If a 25 year old can hide a breakup like this from her own parents, it can only mean that she is a brilliant liar and you should take whatever she shares with a pinch of salt. If it is hard to believe that they haven't realised yet, that the relationship is over and that their daughter is engaging in destructive coping mechanisms, then know that they are choosing to ignore it and are being an equal part in the lies that their daughter is telling them. All in all, if your friend is sharing all this with you, she is probably only venting out or seeking attention and sympathy, certainly not help.
Since your background sharing doesn't involve the details of your conversation with her, I would suggest you clearly tell her that you are worried and recommend her to seek therapy, if you haven't already. If what she shares is making you uncomfortable, you can even ask her to stop sharing all this if she doesn’t want or isn’t seeking help. Drawing a line between the two can help in distancing yourself from a situation that makes you feel so helpless. But my recommendation would be this, even if you have solid evidence, unless you are willing to pay the cost of becoming a scape goat, being reprimanded for making people see something they aren't willing to see and being misunderstood for something you did purely out of concern, do not share anything with anyone. Just remove yourself out of this situation! It isn't your life to begin with!
Hope this helps!
Lots of love!
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