My Son Came Out as Gay Three Years Ago. Now He Wants to Marry His Partner, and I'm Struggling to Accept It. What Do I Do?

FnAQ - My son came out to me as gay three years ago. Initially I was in shock. I felt like how could this happen to me. What did I do wrong and what can I do to correct it. I did not say this to him, but inside it kept paining. He lives in another country so the distances helped. Now he says he wants to get married to his boyfriend of two years. I don't know what to do. Had he been normal, I would have had big fat wedding like it happens in our community. But now I am planning to visit along with my wife and not mention anything to anyone here. But all of this is hurting me a lot! What do I do?

Short answer: Your son hasn't done anything wrong. What you're struggling with is the gap between the expectations you had for his life and the reality he has shared with you. That gap deserves compassion, not guilt. But your son's authenticity also deserves your love and acceptance.

Long answer: First, I'd like to acknowledge how honest your question is. Many parents have thoughts like these when their child first comes out, but very few are willing to say them out loud. The fact that you're asking what to do tells me that, beneath your confusion, you want to find a way forward.

Let me begin with something important. There is nothing abnormal about being gay. Sexual orientation is not something a parent causes, nor is it something that needs to be corrected. Your son did not become a different person the day he came out to you. He simply trusted you enough to share a part of himself that had always been there.

What you're grieving is not your son. You're grieving the future you had imagined for him. That is a real experience, and many parents go through it. The key is to recognize that your grief belongs to your expectations, not to your child's identity.

You mentioned that the distance between you has helped. I wonder if what the distance has really done is postpone a conversation your heart has been trying to have with itself for the last three years.

Now your son is asking you to witness one of the happiest moments of his life. The question before you is no longer whether he is gay. The question is whether he will experience his parents standing beside him as he begins this new chapter.

You also mentioned worrying about what people in your community might think. That is understandable. Social expectations can be incredibly powerful. But it's worth asking yourself this, "Years from now, which regret would be harder to live with? That some people judged you or that your son felt he had to celebrate one of the most important days of his life without feeling fully accepted by his parents?"

Parents often spend years teaching their children to be honest, kind, and authentic. Sometimes life asks parents to practice those same values themselves. If you're finding acceptance difficult, you don't have to navigate it alone.

Connecting with other parents who have walked this journey can be incredibly reassuring. Hearing their stories often helps replace fear with understanding. If you're in India, you may find support through Sweekar – The Rainbow Parents, a parent support group that helps families understand, accept, and support their LGBTQIA+ children. Many parents have found comfort in speaking with others who once had similar questions and concerns.

Your son has already shown great courage by choosing authenticity. Perhaps this is your opportunity to show him that your love is bigger than your fear.

I hope this helps.

And I wish you and your family healing, understanding, and many joyful years together.