If I am a memory

 

Our meeting was a stroke of serendipity,

There was no history neither familiarity.

Yet we bonded like a house on fire!

So if I am a memory, remember me for the fire! 

Days became months and months became years together,

Even the distances in miles kept increasing forever. 

A lot changed in this time but never our connection!

So if I am a memory, remember me for the connection!

Shared moments in life make fond memories,

But life in itself is full of bitter sweet symphonies.

We have our share of hurt but we sure have more happy quirks!

So if I am a memory, remember me for the happy quirks!

I see you, I hear you and I understand you,

Not for an imaginary version of you, but you being you.

Not because I need you or I want you, but because I choose you! 

So if I am a memory, remember me for choosing you! 

Don't let your children drench in your storm!

 

As parents, we are supposed to share our calm with our children when they are in an overwhelming chaos, not add to their chaos! Very often children are punished for simply being little versions of human beings. How quickly a child gets dismissed for having a meltdown and criticised for expressing what they feel, breaks my heart every single time I see a child go through it. "Shut up! Keep your voice down! That's nothing! Why are you behaving like a baby? You are creating a scene!"... It might sound outrageous when you read these sentences in a post, but you will be shocked how often children are shut down with such phrases, some are downright bad things to say even to an adult! What is worse, the tone, the attitude and the shaming that goes along with this is so bad, that you know for real, it can only have a bad impact on the kids at the receiving end. There is no version of this where the children would come on top of this as good people. What is certain though is that, emotionally damaged people groom emotionally damaged children into another generation of emotionally damaged parents, and this vicious cycle continues! 

Any parent who doesn't do that, is by all means a parent who's doing the basics of parenting right! I am so proud of you for being different! I wish, your kind of parents were in majority! But unfortunately, it is not so! For those of you, who tend to do this, on behalf of your little ones, let me tell you, your children need you to listen to them with the intention of understanding and not disciplining! Just like when you see someone drowning, you save them from drowning, not teach them to swim! In that moment of complete meltdown, your children need you to share your calm with them and not reprimand them for having a meltdown. I promise you, they aren't doing anything on purpose. For all I know, the history behind their supposed bad behaviour will only break your heart. And if you do this because your parents did this to you, then my dear parent, it is high time you break this cycle, because clearly, its not working! The more you try to discipline your children to behave in this way, the more they misbehave, right? Right! (Sorry, but you know I am right!)

Children mirror what they see! So, when you find them being insufferable, they've seen someone closely (probably you) being insufferable! Very often you'll realise your complaints about your children are nothing but your behaviours that they are mirroring! It starts with you! You want meltdowns to disappear? Get a magic wand! Be realistic and deploy common sense! That's not happening, even you as adults have meltdowns. You want your children to regulate their meltdowns in better ways? Show them how it is done! Catch yourself when you have a meltdown and allow your kids to point out when you are having a meltdown. You'll be shocked how quickly your children will learn to regulate themselves and even you in constructive ways. Don't forget to thank your children later! 

Which dog should I get as my first pet and what to expect?

 FnAQ: I have a 5 year old daughter who has been behind me for over a year to bring home a pet dog. I have never had a pet dog before but I love dogs in general. Which dog should I get as my first pet and what to expect? 

Short Answer: Any breed that is suitable for therapy will be the best option as your first pet dog especially with a child. Depending on your home size, select a suitable breed. You can Goggle it, but for your reference: Golden retriever (most recommended), Labrador retriever, German Shepherd, French Bulldog, Beagle, Pug, etc. 

Long Answer: Bringing in a pet is like brining home a child. You will need to do a lot of care taking and parenting before the pet becomes a part of the family. Do not go by how pets are portrayed in movies or in books, it's fiction after all! If you are willing to bring in a pet dog for your daughter's wish, you should be prepared for doing all the legwork and model how to take care of someone whose life depends on your care taking. The basic things you'll need to have before you bring in your pet home are as follow:

- Vet in your locality for vaccinations and checkups

- Dog food & bowl

- Bed 

- Leash & collar

- Dog shampoo and brush

- Poop collecting bags or tool and pee pads

- Chew toys and edible sticks (puppies bite all the time while teething)

- At least one ball 

You will immediately need to start toilet training and engage in basic training of commands. If you can afford, it is advisable to hire a professional dog trainer for your own learning. If not, you will find a lot of tutorials online. But do all of this before the dog comes home. All in all, it is a great thing that you want to bring in a pet dog! 

Hope this helps! 

Lots of love!  

'Click' is not enough

 

Shortest tragedy? "We just click!"

Ladies and Gentlemen! Boys and Girls! 

Click is not enough! (Fill in the blanks alternatives - love, align, vibe and all those feelings that we use to self negotiate! 😉)

Riddle me this: Can you tick these? 

• Good emotional regulation
• Fair conflict resolution
• Healthy stress management
• Focus on emotional and physical health
• Ability to admit mistakes and apologise
• Express and respect basic needs 
• Empathy and understanding
• Open communication

You should be able to tick these! 

End of story! "Thank you!" 

How do I not offend my adopted mommy while dating?

 FnAQ: I am 27 years old trying to make sense of my relationship with a 50 year old married woman. We have been in a non-comital relationship for the past 2 years. We work in the same office and during my induction we worked in the same department for sometime. It started off as a sexual fling, but after a few months, she confirmed that she was confused about her orientation and now she is clear about not wanting to be sexually involved with women. But she said, she would like to have a special bond with me and apart from sex, we should keep everything else going as it is, like being my adopted mommy. I didn't know what to say and so agreed to give it a try. I go to her place as her close friend who's just a few years elder than her son living abroad. She likes to pamper me and treats me like her kid because he doesn't live with her anymore. Her husband doesn't know about our fling but he knows that I fill up the vacuum, of their son's absence in his wife's life, so he also considers me like their little adopted child. I do enjoy the attention and pampering, but in these 2 years I have realised that I am only going with the flow without getting what I want. So I asked her if I can start seeing other people because I want a relationship which she can't give me. She agreed and I went on dating sites and a few dates too. She seemed a little indifferent when I used to go on casual dates. Recently, one of my dates asked me if we could become exclusive and I agreed. When I told this to my 50 year old adopted mommy, she got upset and told me this amounts to betraying her. We had a fight on this and I told her, I want to give this relationship a try and it cannot be betraying her if we had agreed that I can see other women. She doesn't agree with me and now our fights are getting nasty to the extent that I get anxious knowing we may have a fight in the office too. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt her but I have met someone who wants to have a relationship with me and I genuinely want to give it a try. How do I not offend my adopted mommy while dating?

Short Answer: You cannot not offend anyone who has decided to get offended with you! 

Long Answer: Your sharing doesn't involve if you have your own parents or not, so this concept of adopted mommy is a little unclear to me. But going by what you have shared, you certainly lack secure attachments in life. At 25 years of age, if you got into a sexual relationship with someone who has a son of approximately your age, only to finally settle for filling up the vacuum that person has, because her own son doesn't live with her anymore, the situation seems pretty simple to solve. You need to bring the focus back to yourself. What do you want and doing what is going to get you what you want. Discussing going on dates with your adopted mommy was the right way forward. Her indifference and sense of betrayal stems from losing you as her supply to fill up the vacuum of her son's absence in her life. The fights are bound to be nasty because once you become serious in a relationship, your priorities would change. From where I see it, you need to boundary up. If your adopted mommy respects your choices, well and good, if not, be prepared to move on from this relationship to make space for a relationship you actually want in life. Additionally, read and work on developing secure attachments in life! It pays well to work on yourself, always! 

Hope this helps! 

Lots of love!  

How do I tell her that her mistakes are causing customer complaints without causing another meltdown?

 FnAQ: Our 58 year old accountant has been with us for the last 15 years. She has been working in our company before I joined my father's business and she has seen me grow up. She was also one of the team members who trained me during my induction in accounts department, when I joined the family business. She is two years away from retirement. Since the last few months, there have been significant silly mistakes that have been observed in her work. The most recent one actually got escalated because of wrong entries and resulted into a customer complaint. How do I tell her that she is making mistakes that are now becoming too frequent and causing serious level problems. I am a little worried that this might become a nasty conversation because the accounts department head confronted her regarding this incident which resulted into customer complaint and this confrontation has already caused a meltdown in the office. Is there any way I can handle this situation without causing another melt down as well as communicating her mistakes properly?

Short Answer: Absolutely there is a way and congratulations for thinking of a possibility where you can communicate without causing another meltdown. The essence of your communication with her should be this - connection before correction! 

Long Answer: You need to start your conversation with her with the intention of connecting with her life - work and beyond work, without even mentioning about her mistakes. Lets say, you can start with something like, "I have been meaning to ask you about your health and if everything at home is going good! I have been observing that you are pre-occupied with something and I couldn't find time to sit with you and have a little conversation"... The basic idea here is to make her share things she wouldn't share if a space like this where you ask her personal wellbeing questions isn't deliberately created. Once she starts answering these kind of questions and if she shares, you need to thank her for sharing personal things about herself. Mostly, when people who have been working in a place for a long time start making mistakes when something is going wrong in their personal lives, which is spilling over their professional life. Anything like a sick person at home, marital issues, financial crises, unforeseen expenses, legal matters, etc. can cause significant stress and affect their work. In such moments, you need to deploy empathy and not confrontation or training to counter the mistakes. If you are able to connect properly, chances are high that the person will be overwhelmed and own up to their mistakes. If not that, you will certainly have maintained the dignity and respect of the person you are speaking with and established a connection where you will be able to bring up the mistakes and possible solutions to avoid customer complaints in the future.

Hope this helps! 

Lots of love! 

I want to help because I care!

 FnAQ: I am a 30 year old worried about my 25 year old neighbour. We have been living next to each other for over 10 years and she is as good as my little sister. Our families are good friends and we have several memories built over these two decades! She has had a few breakups in the past and she even admitted to have had rebounds to get over them when we were catching up recently. However, the current breakup that she is going through is a little serious and I can see her slipping into destructive coping mechanisms. However much I understand the pain of breaking up with the boyfriend she introduced to her parents, she is keeping the breakup a secret and numbing herself with drugs and hooking up with tinder dates. She tends to hide things from her parents quite a bit, and even right now is hiding this breakup from her parents. She maintains an impression that everything is good between her and her boyfriend while indulging in such a self-destructive behaviour. I am really worried for her and have thought of telling her parents about this. Haven't been able to act on this because this girl has made me promise her to keep this information to myself. But I am getting worried and can’t take it anymore. What do you think I should do?

Short Answer: If she has specifically made you promise to keep this a secret, it is a classified information! If you want the satisfaction of trying to help her when she is having a hard time and tell her parents, do that only if you have solid evidence and most importantly, be prepared for losing your relationship with her as well as her parents and maybe even some of your common friends! 

Long Answer: Your worry for this girl is not only justified but also natural! If she is like your little sister, you would want to make sure she is not destroying her own life. It is also appropriate to want to tell her parents about this. But, people, especially adults who have reached a self-destructive place like this in their lives, tend to seek scapegoats to blame everything bad happening in their lives. The fact that this girl keeps secrets from her parents also points to the fact that their core connection is poor. If a 25 year old can hide a breakup like this from her own parents, it can only mean that she is a brilliant liar and you should take whatever she shares with a pinch of salt. If it is hard to believe that they haven't realised yet, that the relationship is over and that their daughter is engaging in destructive coping mechanisms, then know that they are choosing to ignore it and are being an equal part in the lies that their daughter is telling them. All in all, if your friend is sharing all this with you, she is probably only venting out or seeking attention and sympathy, certainly not help. 

Since your background sharing doesn't involve the details of your conversation with her, I would suggest you clearly tell her that you are worried and recommend her to seek therapy, if you haven't already. If what she shares is making you uncomfortable, you can even ask her to stop sharing all this if she doesn’t want or isn’t seeking help. Drawing a line between the two can help in distancing yourself from a situation that makes you feel so helpless. But my recommendation would be this, even if you have solid evidence, unless you are willing to pay the cost of becoming a scape goat, being reprimanded for making people see something they aren't willing to see and being misunderstood for something you did purely out of concern, do not share anything with anyone. Just remove yourself out of this situation! It isn't your life to begin with! 

Hope this helps! 

Lots of love!