FnAQ: I am 27 years old trying to make sense of my relationship with a 50 year old married woman. We have been in a non-comital relationship for the past 2 years. We work in the same office and during my induction we worked in the same department for sometime. It started off as a sexual fling, but after a few months, she confirmed that she was confused about her orientation and now she is clear about not wanting to be sexually involved with women. But she said, she would like to have a special bond with me and apart from sex, we should keep everything else going as it is, like being my adopted mommy. I didn't know what to say and so agreed to give it a try. I go to her place as her close friend who's just a few years elder than her son living abroad. She likes to pamper me and treats me like her kid because he doesn't live with her anymore. Her husband doesn't know about our fling but he knows that I fill up the vacuum, of their son's absence in his wife's life, so he also considers me like their little adopted child. I do enjoy the attention and pampering, but in these 2 years I have realised that I am only going with the flow without getting what I want. So I asked her if I can start seeing other people because I want a relationship which she can't give me. She agreed and I went on dating sites and a few dates too. She seemed a little indifferent when I used to go on casual dates. Recently, one of my dates asked me if we could become exclusive and I agreed. When I told this to my 50 year old adopted mommy, she got upset and told me this amounts to betraying her. We had a fight on this and I told her, I want to give this relationship a try and it cannot be betraying her if we had agreed that I can see other women. She doesn't agree with me and now our fights are getting nasty to the extent that I get anxious knowing we may have a fight in the office too. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt her but I have met someone who wants to have a relationship with me and I genuinely want to give it a try. How do I not offend my adopted mommy while dating?
Short Answer: You cannot not offend anyone who has decided to get offended with you!
Long Answer: Your sharing doesn't involve if you have your own parents or not, so this concept of adopted mommy is a little unclear to me. But going by what you have shared, you certainly lack secure attachments in life. At 25 years of age, if you got into a sexual relationship with someone who has a son of approximately your age, only to finally settle for filling up the vacuum that person has, because her own son doesn't live with her anymore, the situation seems pretty simple to solve. You need to bring the focus back to yourself. What do you want and doing what is going to get you what you want. Discussing going on dates with your adopted mommy was the right way forward. Her indifference and sense of betrayal stems from losing you as her supply to fill up the vacuum of her son's absence in her life. The fights are bound to be nasty because once you become serious in a relationship, your priorities would change. From where I see it, you need to boundary up. If your adopted mommy respects your choices, well and good, if not, be prepared to move on from this relationship to make space for a relationship you actually want in life. Additionally, read and work on developing secure attachments in life! It pays well to work on yourself, always!
Hope this helps!
Lots of love!
