Lost and found
It is difficult to see yourself in the mirror when you are trying an outfit with a size "X". It is next to impossible to step on the weighing scale when it is placed below the printout displaying ideal height-weight chart. Even though it lasts for a second, the pain goes to your heart when the lab assistant pricks you to get that blood sample for checking your "levels" asked by your doctor. And I can't even quantify the frustrations one goes through when every other person is up for an advice like a doctor while you are on some treatments to fix things in your body.
I know this is real because I have gone through this transition myself! It took me too long to get over the size on the label and rejecting an outfit to looking in the mirror and selecting something that flatters my body! I have spent many years keeping the weighing scale in my bathroom and check my weight daily to shifting it to the luggage cabinet only to check the weight of the luggage when someone is traveling in my family. I have literally been a lab rat for chronic and rare illnesses and been on multiple treatments for years together. There was a time when I couldn't say, forget about writing these things, without being emotionally stimulated! It gives me immense freedom to write about this today and say that it is now in the past and I am nothing like it today!
So why share it today? Only because this day marks the fourth year of the surgery that made me tumor free. Four years to that day which showed me the way back to myself! Till that day I was madly, deeply and completely lost! I was lost in the lifestyle others thought was good for me. I was lost in the image people wanted to see and even though I hated it, I tried to keep up with it. I was lost because in spite of visiting many doctors for over ten years, none could provide a definitive diagnosis. Then as a last resort the surgery was scheduled and I was diagnosed with a rare tumor which was growing inside me for almost ten years. This surgery played an instrumental role in my understanding of my own body. Popularly known as "body intelligence", which is extremely high in kids under 5 years of age, simply because it is instinctive. Many start losing it since their 6th year and almost completely lose it by the time it is the 18th year. I was one of them and then this surgery got me back my senses.
It would be ridiculous to say that finding oneself happens overnight. But realization in most cases can be just a single incidence. It was the same for me. How I found myself could be summarized as below in no particular order -
- Listen to your body. It tells you everything in utmost clear manner from problems to hunger to rest to emotional outburst to happiness. Body intelligence is instinctive after all. Listening may not solve your problem, but it is far better than ignorance.
- Never neglect your health, and really pay attention to it. You are a super winner if you are able to do everything in spite of your health issues than taking liberties because of them.
- Invest in the right things. For eg. The personal trainer's fees at your gym is going to have a long lasting effect on your body than the beauty treatment you will pay for at the salon.
- Looks are deceptive and stop judging yourself over how you look. How you feel is far more important and focus on that. There are people who will think and make you believe otherwise, in this case, ignorance is bliss!
- Your support system takes you a long long way. Enroll the right kind of people in your support system. You achieve nothing by doing everything all by yourself.
- Set up and maintain everything - your work place, bedroom, kitchen, wardrobe, etc. Everything that is a part of your daily life. Never underestimate the power of structure in your life. And believe it or not, clutter in those places indicates clutter in your mind. This is important because you spend majority of your awake time at work, you rest in your bedroom, your health is made in your kitchen (yes, what you eat directly influences your health), what you wear sets your mood for the day, so on and so forth. If those places are clutter free you are really breathing positive energy!
- Pull the plug, disconnect social media, take your vacation leaves, and really be with yourself. Make a list of your half baked projects or pending decisions or wish lists. Prioritize it and say "No" to at least the last three to reduce the pressure you carry all the time. Trust me on this one, it really sets you free. The pressure or stresses you carry are most of the times because of these incessant pending things in your life - be it professional or personal.
The biggest sign that tells you that you have found yourself is when your present is better than your past in the quality of your health, relationships and job satisfaction!